AN OLD work colleague of mine, Rocky Batton, used to take holidays to what I considered to be far-flung and exotic places - ship cruises, island resorts and so on.
He was a busy man our Rocky, but that never stopped him taking his annual four weeks holiday each year.
Upon his return I would ask him what he did while he was away and his reply would always be the same. "Sittin' and lookin'."
Rocky's idea of the perfect break was to sit with his feet dangling in the water and a scotch in his hand.
His holiday exercise extended to calling out to the waiter to bring him another drink.
The scenery on Rocky's holidays may have changed, but his modus operandi never did.
And Rocky came back each year relaxed, full of beans and ready to face another 11 months hard work.
I say all this because while you lot are out there carting loads around the country, I'm sittin' and lookin' just like Rocky.
We've taken our holidays in January ever since I can remember.
It always seemed a nice way to extend the Christmas break and get close to five weeks instead of four. This year for various reasons that didn't happen, and it is only now that we have managed to get away from life, if only for a week.
When I married Rita I also married a timeshare.
She used to have two weeks a year but her ex-husband insisted on keeping one of them in the marriage settlement.
So each year at this time we head up to the Murray Valley Resort at Yarrawonga on the Murray River.
The first few years we brought the kids up with us which meant it wasn't much of a holiday.
Luckily they are now at an age where they no longer wanted to go anywhere with us, so we invite a couple of good friends to come and share the week with us instead.
Bob and Sandie are the perfect holiday partners.
They don't like to get up early, they don't want to run all over the joint checking out the sites and they don't want to be fed at pre-designated times.
An afternoon nanny nap works as well for them as it does for us.
Not having kids with us means that we have more disposable income to spend on such things as eating and drinking out.
We have looked at the barbecue pit a couple of times but haven't yet managed to come to mental grips with the exertion of pressing the start button.
Once we've managed to crawl out of bed we wander into town to sit outside the Yarrawonga Bakery and down a couple of cappuccinos together with the biggest and best bee sting you ever did see before strolling the high street so the girls can find a bargain.
Then it's back to the resort where the time is spent with scotch, bourbon and wine, subsided in the spa or feet dangling in the pool until it all gets too much and nanny nap time arrives.
We don't have a waiter to bring us drinks but somehow Bob and I have so far managed to get the girls to fill that role (we have to get something in return for their bargain hunting).
It's been 14 months since we last took a decent holiday and this week has brought home just how much we needed a break.
I've slept better, smoked less and felt more relaxed than I have in a long time.
The great shame is that this is only for a week.
Should I ever run across the ex-husband I'll have a few words to say to him.
Do I feel guilty lazing away here while you lot are out there working your butts off? Not a bit.
Damn! My drink's run dry and the girls have nanny napped early.
"Cheers Bob, looks like it's your shout."
- Take care, Kermie, 0418 139 415, email@example.com